Thoughts on Life, Death & Internet Friendship

most of this i wrote 4 years ago today when i found out my friend sean had died. it's been updated a bit...







over the course of my life, i've been fortunate in that i haven't "lost" many people that i've been close with. i've dealt with the deaths of a couple of great-aunts, my grandfather on my mother's side of my family and my grandmother on my father's side.

none of them were particularly traumatic in any way. they had all been sick for many years and it was only a question of time. so, while i felt sadness it wasn't necessarily surreal to me. they were gone and i knew that i would miss their presence in my life, but i guess the point is i didn't cry or feel such overwhelming sadness that there was a need to cry.

crying seems to be the natural response to sadness and grief, yet i didn't. i've always thought it was weird that i didn't. did i not love my family enough and was that the reason? is it a social conditioning that guys aren't supposed to experience grief in this manner? or is something just wrong with me?

i think maybe i just don't deal with death in that way. maybe it was those years growing up when i would be an altar boy at funeral masses, seeing death as an outside observer - desensitizing me to the sadness that surrounds it...or maybe someday i'll just lose it.

anyway, the point of all of this is i lost a friend in a sudden and tragic manner on this day in 2007. his name was sean and i had met him through the woxy.com message boards. for those who aren't familiar with woxy or with message boards, i'll give a little background on how i got sucked into this little, yet worldwide, community and in turn made internet friendships - many of which became real life friendships.

back when i was in college at miami university (1995-1999), there was a local radio station that played really great indie rock and hip hop. i listened to that station all the time and learned all about some awesome bands that i may never have heard had it not been for them. after graduating and moving back to my hometown, i never forgot about the station and would always tune it in whenever i headed to cincinnati or back to oxford when i would go to visit my friends and my brother.

around 2001, i discovered they had an internet presence including streaming audio of their over-the-air signal and a message board on their website. soon after i was listening via their website and reading their message boards which i joined - but never posted to in their original incarnation. after the great message board hack/debacle where it had to be rebuilt, i joined again (6/11/02), this time as an active participant.

after a couple of years, i felt like i kinda knew these "people" that i was communicating with over the internet well enough that i would venture out to one of their parties, known as a "board bash". i was skittish about it because i figured they were all a bunch of super geeks that i would probably want to punch in the face or a cult of sociopaths that would kill me and dismember my body. 5 minutes after i got there, i was glad that i went. most of them were very similar to me: mid-twenties, steady job, music superfans. we all spent the entire night drinking, listening to woxy and talking about all sorts of things besides just music and woxy and the internet. i had a fantastic time! after attending this first bash, i went to several others because i knew i would have good times and good conversations.

then we all met sean, or as we knew him JSpaceman. sean was a total music geek. he was a dj at a radio station in lafayette, indiana. he loved brit pop. he could also speak intelligently about rock, hip hop, soul and cheesy, top 40 music. i met him for the first time at my friend susan's board bash. this was the first gathering he had attended. i was out in front, smoking, when he and his friend tony arrived and i led them inside and subsequently pointed the board members out so that they knew who they were. it's kind of strange and remarkable that i was one of the first people from that community - of which he was a large and vibrant part of - that he encountered that night. there's truly nothing like a bunch of music geeks getting together for drunken shenanigans!

i always respected and admired sean. he knew more about music than i could possibly ever hope to know - and that's a lot considering how much i do know! he was a stabilizing force on that message board and when he died a lot of things changed - at least for some of us. 

the boards were an important part of my life and a lot of good things came from it: i made some really, great friends; i knew i could always find concert buddies if i didn't want to go to a show alone; i met a couple of ladies that i had the privilege of dating for some time; i helped to plan and attend an adult prom; i had a place to go when i needed relief from the stress of being unemployed. over the past 4 years, though, i've been frequenting the site less and less. i guess part of me doesn't need that support system anymore. also, unfortunately, the place has become too clique-ish for me - moreso than it ever was and that's saying something. another problem i have is the diminished value of the board bashes. the phrase has been overused and no longer embodies the spirit of what it used to be. plus the fact the station is no longer in operation and not being able to listen to the music has been one of the biggest deterrents. occasionally, i check in on things over there but i know it will never be the same. even if it didn't have its detractions, it won't ever burn as bright because sean isn't around.

i still miss my friend.

so, as i said on the woxy boards back in 2007 and other places as well...

so long, sean. you were a good, kind, funny, smart, witty and all-around one heck of a guy. aces all the way. you were an amazing person, a vibrant personality and a great friend. you left an indelible mark on so many people's lives, you will be missed greatly and i will never forget you, my friend. safe travels to the place where the music always rocks and the alcohol flows freely. give my best to hendrix, have some drinks with moon & bonzo and may your conversations with lennon be long and fruitful.